


And Life Goes On

by Blue_Night



Series: Silent Sounds [2]
Category: Stargate - All Series, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Action/Adventure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hearing Impaired John, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Recovery, Tinnitus, Wraith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-02-26 15:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2657504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Night/pseuds/Blue_Night
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 'A Second Life' John became deaf and had to learn how to live with his two cochlear implants until Todd gave him back most of his hearing of the right ear. But, he's still impaired and still has to learn how to live with his disability and to do his job in Atlantis. To his luck, he has Rodney McKay by his side and there are persons who maybe will be able to help him while he helps them...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moving On

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a sequel to 'A Second Life'. It can be read as a stand alone, but it's easier to understand if you read the first part of the series.  
> I have to admit that I actually hadn't planed to make a series out of it, but after writing the first part, John didn't leave me alone until I agreed to write a sequel to his first story. If I had to guess, than I would say that this fic won't be the last part of the series and his story...
> 
> Enjoy reading it and please, let me know if you liked it! I'm not used to write about John and Rodney as a couple and feedback is very important to me!
> 
> Dear Dulinneth, thank you for your wonderful beta and your great advice!

John woke up early in the morning and for one short moment, he was frightened, because he couldn't hear anything. He had had one of those nightmares that still came from time to time in which he dreamed that he was losing his hearing again and for one short moment, he didn't know if it had been only a nightmare or actual reality.

When he realized that he was just lying on his right side, his ear buried deep into the pillow, he relaxed gratefully, shifting his weight and changing his position a little bit, so his right ear was free again and able to hear the steady silent noise next to him.

Rodney lay beside him on his back, sound asleep and with his mouth slightly open, snoring silently and steadily. John settled his head comfortably on his hand, watching his other half sleep.

They had moved in together a few weeks ago, into a set of larger quarters and their bed was king-size now and more than big enough so that both of them could spread out and sleep undisturbed, but every time they settled down to sleep, they found themselves curled up together in a tight embrace, snuggled close to each other underneath one cover and sharing one pillow as if they still had to sleep in John's former small bed.

Several weeks had passed since they had put their stuff together, but, for John, it was still new and almost a miracle. He had had nightmares since he had lost his hearing and although Todd, the ancient Wraith Commander, had been able to give him back the hearing of his right ear, he still wasn't back to normal and the nightmares appeared at least once a week. It had become much better since Rodney had asked him to move in together, but on mornings like this, when he woke up lying on his right side, his ear upon the pillow, he always got a fright, because for a few minutes, until he was fully awake, he couldn't hear anything again. His left ear was still deaf, apart from the ringing he heard twenty-four hours a day when he was awake and the first thing he did after taking his morning run and a shower was to put on the pieces of his implant so he could hear with his left ear, as well.

It was only four thirty in the morning, too early for his run and John was content and comfortable with watching the love of his life sleep and listening to his snoring. John could spend hours with watching Rodney sleep and listen to his snoring. Most of the people he knew would have freaked out if their partners were snorers, but Rodney's snoring was silent and steady and for John, it was one of the sweetest sounds he could imagine. For John, every sound he was able to hear with his right, still mildly impaired ear, was a precious gift. He knew that people who had never had any problems with one of their senses couldn't understand why his eyes became wet when he heard the twittering of the birds or the silent and happy cooing or gurgling of Teyla's little son Torren.

Rodney understood him. He always stood beside him, listening with him to those wonderful sounds and holding John's hand when something caught John's attention. He understood that John still felt uncomfortable in a crowd, surrounded by the loud noise of people shouting all at once and he never got angry or disappointed when John needed a break and wanted to be left alone in silence. He always made sure that John got enough rest after their missions, especially when they had had to talk a lot because of some negotiations and he always found a way to distract him when the ringing in his ears threatened to drive John crazy.

John knew quite well that it was not natural to have a boyfriend as patient, caring and understanding as Rodney was and therefore he went to his training sessions with his speech therapist and to the psychologist on a regular basis, although it was really hard sometimes and his only wish was that they would leave him alone.

John sighed, watching his wonderful boyfriend sleep and he couldn't resist any longer, he needed to touch the man lying next to him, to feel that he wasn't dreaming, that Rodney was real and wouldn't disappear all of a sudden and so he reached out with his hand, his fingers ghosting over the stubbly cheek, following every line of the beloved face.

The snoring stopped with a grunt and then, Rodney opened his wonderful pale-blue eyes and looked at him, dazed and questioningly. John smiled. “You're snoring,” he said instead of 'good morning'.  
Maybe, in another life with John's hearing still intact and never lost, Rodney probably would have gotten angry right now, being offended, because John couldn't imagine anyone who wanted to hear that he or she snored.

But, Rodney only smiled back, sleepily, and said, his voice still husky from sleep: “You love it. I only snore because you can't get enough of listening to me while I'm doing it. You're actually addicted to my snoring.”

John's chest tightened with his feelings and he swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat, because Rodney was right. John was addicted to his boyfriend's snoring, to every little sound that came out of Rodney's wonderful mouth. He cupped the stubbly cheek, warm and rosy from lying upon the pillow with his calloused hand, stroking Rodney's upper lip with his thumb. He knew that Rodney could see all of his emotions in his eyes, his longing, his rapt devotion – his love, but he didn't even try to hide them. Rodney was the one who grounded him and John wanted him to see his feelings for him, because he wasn't that good in expressing them with spoken words very often and Rodney deserved to know how much John loved him.

“Yeah, you're right. I love to hear you snore. I love every sound that comes out of that sweet mouth of yours,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I love to hear you snore and I love to hear you hum when you're in a good mood. I love to hear you murmur when you're totally absorbed in your work, and I also love it, when you grouse and mutter because something doesn't go the way you want it to go. I love to listen to the silent sounds your fingers make typing on the keyboard and I even love the sounds you make when you're slurping your coffee, because it's still too hot to actually drink it. I love to hear you complain about the food they're offering in the cafeteria and I love to hear you telling me off, because I keep you from working.” John had to stop for one moment, because he wasn't that used to saying things like that, but to see Rodney's joy and touching emotions was worth every effort he had to lift to form these words and speak them out loud.

He grinned at him, challenging and rather smug and continued to list all the sounds he liked to hear coming from his wonderful boyfriend: “And I love every moan, gasp, cry and grunt you utter when we make love,” he drawled and now, Rodney frowned, making an indignant face.

“I don't grunt!” he complained, scowling at him and John could not help but kiss the pouting mouth.

“You do and I love it, because you only grunt when I manage to really drive you crazy,” he whispered, nibbling at Rodney's smooth bottom lip, and Rodney instantly gave in and rewarded him with a soft moan, pulling John down to him, all sleepiness gone by the sensation of John's cheeky tongue slipping into the soft cavern of his mouth. He was warm and smooth and aroused and now, it was John's turn to moan as he felt his boyfriend's erection pressing against his thigh.

They kissed and stroked, glad that they didn't have to undress, because they had fallen asleep naked the previous night after making love. They made love to each other again, slowly and tenderly and John pulled all of the silent sounds from him he had listed before, enjoying every moan, every gasp, every cry and every grunt he could hear more than he would have thought possible back then, in his former life, before he had become deaf and didn't know how precious and invaluable being able to hear such small sounds actually could be.

 

\-----------------------------------------------

 

A few days after that special morning, they prepared everything for a new mission. They hadn't heard from a planet they traded with on a regular basis for a rather long time and Mr. Woolsey wanted John and his team to go and see if everything was all right.

In his former life, going on missions somehow had had become 'natural', even though it had been dangerous missions most of the time. Since he had become deaf, every mission was something special. Since he had won back his right ear, going on missions was much easier for him than it had been with two implants, but every single mission was still very special to him and he was happier than he could have expressed in words that General O'Neill and Mr. Woolsey had stood behind him all of the time and had given him the chance to prove that he was more than capable of doing his job.

John knew quite well that such a disability like his normally meant the end of the military career of every soldier. Of course, he had the strongest ATA-gene and therefore much more credit than any other soldier would have had and he knew that without his strong gene, he would never have seen Atlantis again, but the IOA had wanted to replace him nevertheless; and without these two men and Rodney standing behind him and believing in him, he wouldn't have been in Atlantis any longer.

He checked his backpack one last time to see if he had another magnetic coil, microphone and enough batteries in case something would happen to the pieces of his implant and smiled at Ronon and Teyla who stepped beside him, waiting for Rodney to join them. John had chosen six Marines to come with them, because he had a bad feeling again and he had learned to listen to those feelings. They were all waiting for Rodney who finally stormed into the Gateroom, grousing loudly about some of his 'stupid' scientists and John grinned, because everyone standing in the Gateroom pulled a face as they heard Rodney bitching - everyone, but him, because he had meant what he had said as he had told Rodney that he loved listening to him grousing and muttering.

Rodney went silent when he saw Ronon scowling at him, but when he caught John's eyes, he began to grin as well, knowing what John was thinking of right now. He came to him and briefly touched his arm, before he stepped through the wormhole side by side with John, followed by their teammates and the six Marines.

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

When they reached the other side of the wormhole, light-years away on another planet, John could see instantly that something was wrong.

The settlement was only a few hundred meters away from the Gate and John could see that almost half of the village was destroyed. Most of the houses were burned to the ground, trashed and charcoal turned woods were lying everywhere on the streets and between the ruins of the former proper houses.

John raised his hand and his well-trained team grabbed their weapons and spread out to secure their way. John pushed Rodney behind his body. He might be hearing-impaired, but his other senses had sharpened during the last year and he was the military leader of Atlantis and knew best what to do in such situations.

Rodney followed him in silence as they slowly and cautiously made their way to the destroyed village. It once had been a proud and proper little city with several hundred inhabitants, but John could see the whole level of destruction as he reached the edge of the first line of destroyed houses. At first, he had thought that the Wraith had come for a culling, but it didn't look like that and his guts told him that there was someone hiding in the shadows of the ruins watching them. He listened to his inner voice these days and he raised his weapon, narrowing his eyes while he began to check the ruins, hoping that the silent ringing in his ears wouldn't get louder as it sometimes did when he was as tense and filled with adrenaline as he was right now.

He could see Ronon and Teyla check the ruins on the other side of the main street and knew that the Marines were on their backs. Rodney might be a scientist, but after so many years of experiences, he knew quite well what he had to do and John was glad that he hadn't had to look after him. It was a good feeling to have him at his side and if John had had to choose between Rodney and some new soldiers coming fresh from Earth to Pegasus, he would always have chosen his genius.

They were halfway through the settlement when he could feel the presence of someone near him and he turned around, pointing with his weapon at the shadow of the house to his left. The house was undamaged, but the former white color had become black from the charcoal. John waved at Rodney and the scientist rushed to the other side of the entrance while John slowly bit by bit pushed the door open. It was dark inside, but John could hear a silent rustle and see a shadow running to the backside of the house. It was a small shadow and when John fully entered the house, he saw a child, probably a young boy, climbing through one of the splintered windows and disappearing between the trees of the near forest.

“Crap!” he muttered. His feeling told him that he was alone again, except for Rodney, of course and he turned around and left the house. All he wanted to do was run after the boy, but he knew that they had to make sure that the village was clean and that there were no attackers left, before he could see to the young child. He shot a brief look at Rodney and saw that Rodney was feeling much the same, but Rodney had learned a lot about tactics and the right behavior in such situations and did what John told him to without arguing.

After another half an hour, they had checked the village, meeting with Teyla and Ronon on the main street, covered by ruins of the former house of the village's leader Cullen. Teyla looked worried, because she had found some signs of unknown enemies who had attacked the villagers. “I'm sure that the Bolakai were the ones who attacked the settlers,” she said, handing the weapon she had found to John. John considered it and nodded.

“Yes, I guess that you're right, Teyla,” he agreed and Ronon made a grim face.

“Then, there's no one left,” he growled, angrily, balling his fists, but John shook his head.

“Rodney and I saw a child, a young boy in one of the houses. He ran to that forest,” he explained, pointing in the direction where he had seen the child disappear. “We need to go after him and find him. He needs help and maybe, there are others of the settlers still alive. I could feel the presence of someone while we checked the village. I'm pretty sure that they are hiding somewhere in the forest.”

Rodney, who had been silent until now, looked around. “That's understandable after what must have happened to them. We should send someone back to Atlantis to bring another team here and, most importantly, a medical team. If there are survivors, they certainly will need medical help.”

John was already waving at two of the Marines and the young men listened to his instructions, before they nodded and turned around, heading back to the Gate. John was sure that the Bolakais were gone, because, if they had been still here, John would have known it by now. He turned into the direction where the boy had disappeared between the thick bushes and trees, concentrating on the silent sounds of the nature surrounding them. It was hard, because most of the time the silent ringing became louder with his stress-level and he felt the well-known headache creep into his head from the nape of his neck. Rodney looked at him, concerned, he had learned to read John's face like an open book and he moved closer to him as he noticed John's distress.

Rodney didn't touch him, he never did when they were on a mission, apart from brief pats on the shoulder or his arm, but he walked close to his left side and John relaxed instantly, focusing on the wilderness in front of them to find the boy. John wouldn't give up his tries to find him and, hopefully other survivors of the bloody attack, no way. John walked through the forest, his senses sharp and focused on finding the settlers and he felt oddly alive and excited. After the happenings of the last year, he had learned to never take things granted again and he was deeply grateful for every mission he actually could lead himself.

This was what he needed to do, what he lived for. This was his calling, his life and he couldn't count the many times during the last year when he had been scared to death that he would have to give up the life he loved so much and he was meant for, that he would have to give up everything that was important to him. It was still incredulously hard sometimes, but since the ancient Wraith Commander had given him back most of his right ear's hearing he knew for sure that he would make it and stay where he belonged – in Atlantis, the city that was his true home, more than any home on Earth had ever been.

He walked beside Rodney, his incredible boyfriend, their arms touching briefly from time to time while they walked and the ringing in his left ear faded to a silent, almost inaudible beep. John relaxed gratefully and the headache eased with the ringing, until he only felt a mild pressure behind his eyes that he was able to ignore. Rodney's presence always had this effect on him and John gratefully focused on Ronon walking in front of them, because no one was as good in finding someone who tried to hide as the big man from Sateda.

When Ronon all of a sudden stopped, looking around and listening, John knew that they had found the hiding place of the settlers. Ronon pointed to a bunch of thick bushes and John narrowed his eyes, trying to see something.

“Hello? It’s Colonel John Sheppard from Atlantis! We have come to help, please come out! Hello? Colonel John Sheppard is here, with Teyla Emagan, Ronon Dex and Dr. Rodney McKay, please come out!” he shouted and after one long moment, the leaves of one of the bushes moved, revealing the entrance to a hidden cave and an old man emerged from the inside, slowly and mistrustfully, pointing a weapon at John and his team with shaky hands.


	2. The Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John went to a rescue mission and searched for a little boy he has seen in the destroyed village. Will he find out what happened to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Dulinneth, a million thanks again for your wonderful job, I really don't know what I would do without you!
> 
> Here's the new chapter, as always enjoy reading it and please let me know if you liked it!

John knew the old man who was pointing his weapon at him, his hands shaking, but obviously determined to shoot everyone who might be a threat to his little herd he was hiding in the cave and John raised his hands in a calming gesture to show that he was no threat and not going to attack them. The old man's name was Symor and John hoped that Symor would recognize him before he shot him in the heat of the moment.

Rodney beside him held his breath and so did Ronon and Teyla, all of them with their arms opened wide to show that they had come in peace and for help. Symor blinked and then, lowered his weapon, hesitantly at first, but when realization that it actually was Colonel Sheppard from Atlantis who was standing in front of him slowly sank in, he leaned heavily against the stony wall of the cave's entrance, pressing his hand to his chest over his heart, breathing hard.

John started to move towards Symor, but Teyla was faster and by Symor's side to support him before the man threatened to fall down. John saw a sudden movement by the entrance when a small shadow rushed to the old man, wrapping his arms around the shaky legs staring at John with wide eyes. The boy might be six or seven years old, judging by his height, but John wasn't so sure about that. He had red-brown hair, the color reminding John of the chestnuts he had loved to collect when he had been a young boy, like this one was, to make some little animals, dolls or other things out of them. The boy had a pretty little face ruled by his incredible gray eyes with thick dark lashes every model would murder for that this young boy called his own.

The boy just stared at John and John slowly got down until he was crouching in front of him. John smiled at the boy, but didn't try to touch him. “Hey, I'm John,” he introduced himself to the child. “I guess that we already 'met' in the house, didn't we? What is your name?” he asked, but the child didn't answer him, just looked at him with those incredible big gray eyes.

Symor sighed. “His name is Zaniel. He's my grandson and he hasn't spoken since the Bolakai attacked us and murdered his parents in front of him,” he explained, his voice strangled with pain and grief. John swallowed, but his smile didn't fade.

“Hello, Zaniel. I'm pleased to meet you,” he just said, gently, waiting for the boy's reaction. The reaction came in another way than he had expected it. Zaniel hesitantly reached out with his hand, trying to grab the microphone and the magnetic coil from his left implant, considering it with curious eyes. John carefully took the pieces of his implant out and handed them to Zaniel, who took them as carefully as John had handed them to him. “This is my 'left ear',” John said, sincerely. “My ears became deaf by an explosion and the doctors gave me this, so I could hear again.”

Zaniel turned the pieces in his hand, considering them curiously, before he looked up, to check John's right ear. John shook his head. “My right ear is fine again, but this is a long story and I will tell it to you when we have checked you and your grandpa, all right?”

Zaniel nodded and handed the microphone and coil back to John, watching the colonel place them back where they belonged. John rose to his feet and offered his hand to the young boy, who hesitated at first, but then, loosened his grip around his grandfather's legs and took the offered hand.

John smiled at Zaniel and entered the cave with Zaniel at his right and Rodney on his left side to see whom of the settlers had survived the attack and would need their help, followed by Teyla, Symor and Ronon.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------

 

John watched Dr. Keller check Zaniel with the equipment she had brought with her to the village while listening to the story Symor was telling about the attack.

It had been hard work to convince the survivors to come out of the cave, but it had been clear that they couldn't stay in that cave in the forest, they needed medical and psychological help, proper food and water and John had promised to protect and help them if they came back with him to the village.

Only three hundred from the former of more than five hundred settlers had survived and John had promised to help them rebuild their settlement. Zaniel had refused to let go of his hand during their way back through the forest, he seemed to like and trust John and John felt a strong connection between the boy and he himself.

He had been surprised that Zaniel seemed to like Rodney as well, because Rodney normally wasn't that skilled with kids, but Zaniel was very attentive and probably had sensed the strong bond between them and how much John and Rodney cared about each other and therefore decided to include Rodney into the small circle of people he trusted and liked.

Rodney apparently liked Zaniel too, maybe, because the boy didn't speak, or maybe because he sensed the connection between the gray-eyed boy and his John and he had behaved as comfortable and easy towards Zaniel as John had never seen him behave towards children before. Rodney had done something for the scientist truly extraordinary by giving him his chocolate-bar and Zaniel had taken his hand and walked between John and Rodney back to the village while Teyla had supported Symor and Ronon and the four Marines had seen to the other settlers who had needed help to come back with them.

Zaniel had hidden behind John's back when Dr. Keller had tried to check on him, but when John had asked him to agree to the check and promised to stay with him, he had nodded and had come out of his hiding place behind John's body.

After returning to the village, they had used the remaining houses to make temporary shelters out of them and chosen the largest one as their basis station for organizing the rebuilding and as a temporary medical bay for Dr. Keller and her staff. Mr. Woolsey had sent three other teams and Dr. Keller had come, personally to see to the injured ones and especially the kids.

John sat at the table in the room where Dr. Keller saw to her patients, listening to Symor who told them what had happened in a strangled and husky voice.

“The Bolakai came five days ago in the early morning. They began to burn the houses and shoot, instantly; and although we tried hard to fight, we had no real chance because their weapons were better than ours.”

Symor went silent and John saw his jaw moving as he gritted his teeth keep his composure. John lay his hand upon the old man's arm and after few minutes, Symor looked up again and continued to speak.

John had asked Rodney to stay and see to the things the scientist wanted to check later and he was glad that his genius sat next his left side, because the ringing in his ear had become loud again and made it hard for him to concentrate and hear through the implant. If there was something Symor told them he would overhear because of his tinnitus, than Rodney would tell it to him, later. Rodney's presence alone gave him the strength to endure the loud ringing and the bad headache and Rodney seemed to sense that he needed him right now, because he shifted his weight on his chair until their legs were touching under the table and John took a deep breath and relaxed, focusing on Symor's words again.

“They shot every man they could shoot, no matter how old or young they were. They shot at everyone except for our young women and I do believe that they wanted to take our women with them. That was probably the reason why they came. Half of our village was burning when suddenly the Gate began to dial and the Wraith came through with their Darts.”

John tensed. He had thought that it couldn't get worse, but it seemed that he had been mistaken. He opened his mouth to speak, but Symor raised his hand to stop him and John snapped his mouth shut again.

“They only collected the Bolakai. I don't know why or how they did this, but the Darts collected the Bolakai until not one of them was left and then, they flew back to the Gate and disappeared,” he said, his voice trembling with the memory of the horror he had gone through only a few days ago.

“I bet that Todd was the one who sent the Darts,” Rodney stated, breaking the silence. “We need to contact and ask him.”

John snorted in agreement. “Yes, we should ask him and thank him,” he growled, his hands curled into tight fists. He glanced at Zaniel who sat on another table to place him higher, so Jennifer didn't have to bend down all of the time, patiently and silently, no sound slipping from his lips, while Jennifer Keller took some blood samples from his arm. John didn't know any child as little as this boy who would have remained silent while a doctor took their blood with a syringe.

Zaniel raised his head when he felt John's eyes upon him and John held his breath as he noticed the almost invisible smile tugging at the boy's lips. Jennifer placed a Band-Aid upon the spot where she had stung him with the syringe and stroked the red-brown hair. “You did great, Zaniel, you were so brave,” she praised the boy and after her encouraging nod, Zaniel jumped from the table and ran to his grandfather. Symor lifted him up and sat him on his lap, but it was obvious that he wouldn't continue to speak with the boy listening to him.

John didn't know what to do, because he really needed to know what had happened, but before he was able to decide what he should do, Rodney took him completely by surprise, as he stood up, offering his hand to the boy, smiling. “Hey, Zaniel I need some help. I have to check some things and I could use someone who can lead me through the village. Do you think that you can do that?” he asked and his voice was as soft and gentle as it usually only was when they were alone. Zaniel hesitated, but after a questioning look at his grandfather and John, he nodded and stood up, taking Rodney's hand. Rodney smiled at John and John's chest tightened with gratitude and his deep love for the scientist as he watched his boyfriend leave the room with Zaniel beside him, talking gently to him as if he had never had any difficulties with children.

John turned his head to look at Symor again and the old man sighed relieved and wiped a single tear from his eye. “Your partner is very skilled with children, Colonel Sheppard,” he said, musing. “You're a lucky man.” John nodded his head, a genuine smile softening the lines of pain on his face.

“Yes, Symor, you're right. I know how lucky I am to have him by my side,” he answered, his love for the scientist clear to hear in his husky voice.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

Symor had told him the rest of the story. After the Wraith had taken the Bolakais in their buffers away from the planet, Symor had taken the lead, because their former leader had been killed during the fight. They had buried their people and left the village, scared to death to seek shelter in the forest, in case the Bolakai or the Wraith would come back.

They had stayed there until John and his team had come to their rescue, starved, exhausted, frightened and injured. Zaniel had seen one of the Bolakais shoot his father and his mother as she had tried to cover him with her body and he and his grandfather were the only ones who had survived the attack. Zaniel hadn't spoken a single word since then and Jennifer was sure that it was because of the trauma he had suffered, because the boy was uninjured, at least his body. His soul was a totally different kind of matter.

That morning, Zaniel had been missing when Symor had woken up and some of the survivors had tried to find him, because Symor was too old, exhausted and weak to go after his grandson. Zaniel had come back half an hour before John and his team had found them and he had 'told' the survivors that someone was coming. The rest was history and John was more than ever determined to do what would be needed to help the settlers who had always been true and trustworthy allies and trade-partners.

Now, he lay next to Rodney in a small room in one of the remaining houses on a small cot in his sleeping bag, trying to find some sleep. He himself, Ronon and the other Marines had worked until darkness had fallen over the planet, removing the trash, the charcoal and the rubble of the destroyed buildings while Rodney had seen to the energy supplies of the former proud and advanced settlement and to the water supplies. They all knew how fast things could turn out to become even worse than they already were if the water became contaminated. Teyla had offered her help wherever it had been needed, playing with the kids and landing her hand to the elder ones of the survivors. Jennifer had worked to complete exhaustion, checked the settlers, seen to their injuries and organized the transports of the ones who needed to be taken to Atlantis.

John had decided that they would stay here until they were sure that the neither the Bolakai, nor the Wraith would show up again, although John was sure that Rodney had been right with his suspicion that Todd had sent his Darts. Todd might be their ally now, but he was also a son-of-a-bitch sometimes who had his spies everywhere and who seemed to know what was going on in Pegasus all of the time. John was sure that Todd knew a whole lot more about Atlantis and their allied planets than he cared to admit.

He sighed, turning around to find a better position. His whole body was aching and the ringing in his left ear had changed into a loud beep that threatened to drive him crazy. He didn't realize that he must have groaned, loudly, until Rodney's sleepy voice startled him. “Hey, flyboy, come over here,” he murmured, softly, opening his sleeping bag in an inviting gesture.

John hesitated. “I'm sorry, Rodney, I didn't mean to wake you up,” he apologized, having a bad conscience. Rodney had worked as much as he himself, even longer and he had fallen asleep the minute his head had touched the pillow.

Rodney yawned. “What did I tell you about apologizing, John? It's okay, come over here.”

“It's too small for both of us,” John said, trying to be reasonable. Rodney would have a terrible neck-ache the next morning if they slept together on that small cot.

Rodney only snorted, unimpressed by John's attempts to be the reasonable and unmoved military leader of their mission. “It's not. Do I have to force you, you stubborn colonel? You soldiers are really a lot of work, I can tell you, always trying to be brave! Now come over here Sheppard and let me hold you. We both know that you won't be able to sleep that way.” His voice which had been teasing at first, became warm and tenderly. “You had a really rough day and you were surrounded by loud noise all day while you were working. I cannot even imagine how you must feel right now, but, if I had to guess, I would say that your tinnitus must be terrible after what has happened today. So stop being brave and tough and come to me, John,” he said and John could feel the first true smile spread out on his features since Symor had told him what had happened.

He slipped out of his sleeping bag and crawled to Rodney's cot standing next to his own, lying down beside him on his left side. Rodney bent over him, placing a soft good night kiss on John's lips, before he wrapped his arms around him, snuggling close to his back, his mouth nuzzled against John's neck.

John pulled Rodney's arms tight around him and relaxed for the first time within the last several hours. He listened to the scientist's quiet breathing, a comforting and steady sound and the loud beep in his ear faded to the usual silent ringing he had learned to ignore in time to his relaxing. After a while, Rodney's soft breathing changed into the slight snoring John loved so much to hear.

John closed his eyes with a happy smile on his lips and finally let himself be lulled to sleep by the silent sound he would never grow tired listening to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zaniel is Latin and means 'angel'


	3. Zaniel Is Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and his team found the survivors of the attack and brought them back to the destroyed village. Now, they have to help them to rebuild the settlement again. John is worried about the little boy Zaniel and it seems that Rodney and John are the only ones who can understand him, because Zaniel's muteness make things a lot more difficult...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Dulinneth, as always a million thanks to you for your beta!
> 
> I truly love to write about John and his problems with his hearing, because I know from my own experiences how 'natural' our well-functioning senses for most of all people are. We never think about the true miracles that make us see, smell, taste, feel and especially hear. Our hearing is the most complicated sense and until only about thirty to twenty-five years ago, our scientists had no clue how our hearing truly works. It's still pretty mysterious sometimes, especially when it comes to tinnitus, a phenomenon still unknown that can drive people who suffer it crazy and to commit suicide. We live in a loud world these days and these problems will become more important in the future.  
> So, this story is for all people for whom hearing properly is not natural and for all who know how it feels to hear a ringing or buzzing in their heads twenty-four hours a day.

John considered their uncommon ally grinning at him from the screen. John had come back to Atlantis from the planet with the destroyed village for a short visit and had used the opportunity to contact Todd on board his Hive.

Todd had agreed to install a special transmitter on his Hive several months ago, so his allies from the Ancient's city would be able to contact him if needed and John hadn't had to wait too long for Todd's answer. This simple fact confirmed John's suspicion that the ancient Wraith Commander had something to do with the uncommon 'culling' that had saved the settlers' lives, as Rodney had suspected a few days ago.

“Ah, Sheppard, it's always a pleasure to talk to you,” the Wraith drawled, his voice slightly mocking and still grinning, but with his well-known unreadable face. It was clear to see that Todd was playing one of his usual games, not willing to give anything away. John suppressed an annoyed and snappy answer. He wasn't in the mood to play games, nor had he the time for this. The last days had taken their toll on all of them and he wanted to go back to the planet as soon as possible, because there was a little boy waiting for him and who needed him, badly.

John and Rodney were the only ones Zaniel let come near him, apart from his grandfather Symor and John felt restless and troubled every time he had to stay away from the settlement for more than a few hours.

Todd seemed to sense his distress, because the grin faded and the expression on his chiseled features changed to genuine concern. “What can I do for you, Colonel Sheppard? Are you having problems with your hearing again?” he asked in his rich multi-toned voice, watching the human he could see on his own screen, attentively. Wraith might have incredible technology, but they were still hunters, creatures who relied a whole lot more on their senses than humans normally did these days and John was sure that the ancient Commander understood his problems much better than most of the inhabitants of Atlantis would ever be able to understand.

John shook his head. “No, thank you for asking. It's the same as it was the last time we saw each other and I really have to thank you for what you did for me,” he answered, sincerely and Todd accepted his gratitude with a gracious nod, waiting for the human who had contacted him to continue, still not willing to give anything away.

John sighed, inwardly as he realized that Todd wouldn't enlighten him about the happenings on the planet and decided to play his own little game with the old space-vampire and cocked his head to the side, pursing his lips.

“You seem to be freshly fed, Todd. I hope your meal didn't turn your stomach. I heard rumors that you changed your – hm taste in your food-source,” he said, his voice all politeness and casual chatting. Todd played along, grinning again, showing all of his sharp teeth as he did so.

“Ah, Sheppard, it's most likely that these rumors might be true. It's nice that you care that much about my well-being. I'm truly touched by your concern, but, I can assure you that my meal was rather – delicious, so to say. I'm sure that my Hive won't have to feed for a rather long time,” he replied in the same polite and casual voice John had used. “I heard rumors myself about a planet where some of your allies and trading partners live,” he continued, then. “They were attacked by the Bolakai, I heard. But, if the latest news I have heard is right, than the Bolakais won't be a problem any longer. I also heard that something happened to them, and if I had to guess, than I would say that they won't be a threat for your people for a rather long time.”

John felt some of the pressure behind his eyes fade and this time, he gifted the Wraith on the screen with an honest smile. “This are good news, then. It would be my pleasure to chat with you a little while longer, but unfortunately, I'm needed somewhere else.”

Todd nodded in agreement. “So am I. But, I'm sure that we will meet again, sooner rather than later, John Sheppard. Please, give my sincerest greetings and best wishes to the settlers and especially to your genius, Dr. McKay. It's always very inspiring to work with him. His last suggestion about a modification of our Dart-sensors were very helpful,” he said his goodbyes, raising his not existing eyebrow meaningfully; and his voice sounded slightly mocking again.

John snorted. “Yeah, I bet it is. See you, Todd,” he said, switching off the screen. When he was sure that Todd wouldn't see him any longer, he shook his head and began to laugh with true amusement. Todd might be an annoying son-of-a-bitch most of the times, but he was also a simply invaluable ally oftentimes and John couldn't help but look forward to their next encounter.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------

 

When he came back to the planet, Rodney was waiting for him at the Gate. John could see immediately that something must have happened, because Rodney was pacing up and down in front of the Gate, impatiently and with genuine concern on his face.

He headed down the few stairs and Rodney sighed with relief. “Rodney, what happened?” he asked when Rodney simply took his arm, pulling him to the large building where their basis-station were settled in.

“Zaniel is missing. I was busied with the water-system that is still not working properly and Symor fell asleep. When he woke up half an hour ago, Zaniel was nowhere to be found. I'm sure that he ran to the forest again. We sent out several teams, but he's not where he hid the last times he disappeared. It probably has something to do with his muteness. The other kids don't want to play with him and the other settlers can't handle it very well, either. Jennifer tried to explain it to them, but, one of the other, elder kids said that they all saw horrible things and that he shouldn't behave as if he were the only one.” Rodney shrugged his shoulders in a helpless gesture. “Kids can be cruel, sometimes. I think he's hiding somewhere and he most likely won't come out until he sees or hears you. Ronon is with one of the teams, of course, but Zaniel knows this place much better and he's small and clever. Even Ronon will have problems finding him if Zaniel doesn't want to be found.”

John nodded, already heading in the direction of the forest, waving at Rodney. “Please, take care of Symor, McKay,” he yelled back to him, before the thick bushes and large trees of the untamed wilderness swallowed him like a big hungry mouth, knowing that his boyfriend would see to the things in the village like he himself would do. John smiled, briefly. He knew that he could always count on his genius, no matter what would happen, Rodney would always be there for him.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------

 

John had searched for Zaniel for more than two hours, in the cave and every other place where the young boy had been before, he had yelled and shouted, but Zaniel remained invisible and John was deeply worried now. He made his way through the unknown wilderness, looking for any sign of the little child that had become so important to him within only a couple of day. Somehow, Zaniel reminded him of he himself when he had been a young boy and he wouldn't give up his tries to find him.

He froze when he heard a low growl coming from somewhere in front of him, frowning and trying to locate the direction of the strange noise. It was still difficult for him to locate the directions of sounds and noise if he couldn't see the source of the sounds and he looked around cautiously, inhaling the air to get more information. The growl had sounded as if it had come from an animal, probably a large and dangerous one and John knew from former visits on that planet that there were animals similar to grizzly bears living here. The settlers avoided to intrude too deep into the forests surrounding their village and the fact that they had hidden in that cave deep in the wilderness showed how scared and frightened they had been from the attack.

He took a deep breath and could smell the slight scent of something acid and wild, just like a large beast would smell. The growl sounded again, louder and aggressive this time, and John began to run, because he simply knew that the beast had found Zaniel before him, he could feel it. He raised his weapon and yelled while he ran straight forward:

“Zaniel, don't move, stay where you are, I'm coming! Don't move, it will make the beast come after you, I'm right here!”

John jumped over dead wood and branches lying on the ground, bending forward to avoid the twigs hanging down from the trees and then, he reached a small clearing.

The beast sat on its hind legs, raising his torso and waving with its paws in the air to reach Zaniel who sat on a thick branch in a large tree above it. Zaniel stared at the beast, completely silent and still, only his eyes were big and filled with mortal fear and John becoming very angry at the savage animal attacking the young boy, lifted his weapon and shot the beast that really did look like a big grizzly in one single move. The 'bear' turned around, roaring, galloping towards John, but John shot again and the beast broke down, just before it reached the human colonel. The roaring faded to a gurgling and the beast jerked two or three times, before it stilled and then there was nothing but dead silence in the clearing again.

John felt his knees buckle and had to fight against a sudden dizziness and it took him a moment until he realized that he had held his breath. He slowly breathed in and out and when the dizziness faded, he circled the dead animal lying on the ground in a puddle of blood and made his way to the tree where Zaniel clung to his branch, his face white like snow, staring at him with wide eyes.

John smiled at him, shakily and opened his arms. “It's okay, Zaniel. It's dead. Come to me please, you're safe now, I promise you,” he murmured and after one more moment of hesitation, Zaniel let go of the branch and let himself fall down, straight into John's waiting arms.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

John had carried Zaniel the whole way back to the village. Zaniel had wrapped his legs around his midsection and his arms around his neck, his face buried in John's shoulder and John had carried his precious cargo through the forest, humming quietly in the boy's ear. His implant had switched off during their way back, due to the empty battery and John had to rely much more on his other senses because of that, sniffing the air and looking around cautiously to avoid another encounter with one of those 'bears' and he was deeply grateful when he reached the edge of the settlement. The ringing in his ear had changed to the hated constant and loud beep he had come to know and fear so well, due to his worries about Zaniel and his exhaustion and it threatened to drive him crazy, slowly but unstoppable. He sighed with relief when he saw Teyla heading along their path, but when she tried to take Zaniel in her arms, the boy pressed close to John, wrapping his arms firmly around his neck, shaking his head vigorously.

“Oh sweetheart, John has carried you for a rather long time, it's okay, he will come with us,” the young Athosian woman tried to convince the child to let her take him, but Zaniel buried his face in John's shoulder again, refusing to let go off his savior. John smiled at her.

“It's okay, Teyla. He's as light as a feather,” he assured her, although his arms and his back protested against the further weight. Teyla sighed, defeated and smiled at him.

“Then, I will bring Symor the good news,” she suggested and John nodded, watching her head back to where she had come from, before he followed her, walking along the small path with Zaniel in his arms, slowly and steadily.

He suppressed a relieved sigh as they eventually entered the house where Symor and Rodney were waiting for them. Jennifer was busied with Symor, who had begun to cry, laugh and tell his grandson off all at once the minute he saw him and Zaniel finally allowed John to be set down on the ground, climbing on his grandfather's lap instead.

John sat down at the table where Rodney was sitting, smiling at him, fiddling with his microphone. His hands felt heavy and clumsy and shook a little bit after he had carried Zaniel back to the city for so long and the adrenaline high that was wearing off was leaving him exhausted and dizzy. Rodney handed him the small bag where he kept the spare parts of his implant, but he didn't try to do it for John.

Rodney knew how important it was for John to take care of his implant himself and he waited patiently for John to change the battery in the microphone and check the processor, before he began to talk to him.

John placed the microphone back over his earlobe and put the processor back in his pocket and he relaxed gratefully as the sounds of his surroundings drowned out the loud beep in his ear at least a little bit. Rodney in the meantime had stood up and placed a bottle and a glass before him along with a plate of food, while Teyla did the same with Zaniel. When Rodney sat down again on the other side of the table, John briefly touched his hand and began to eat. Zaniel who had made himself comfortable on Symor's lap was already gulping down his food and John noticed with relief that the color had returned to the boy's cheeks.

He reached out with his hand, ruffling the soft and fragrant red-brown hair. “You won't run away again, Zaniel, will you?” he asked him, his voice gentle, but also strict and sincere. “Your grandfather can't stand such worries about you, you have to understand that. You have to promise me that you won't do something like that again,” he demanded and Zaniel pressed his lips to a thin line, lowering his head in a subdued, but also defiant manner. John sighed. “The other kids teased you again, because you didn't talk to them, right?” he asked. Zaniel slowly nodded his head, refusing to look up. John swallowed. “Zaniel, please, look at me,” he asked him, tenderly. The young boy hesitantly lifted his chin, his big gray eyes watching John wearily. John smiled at him.

“When I became deaf from an explosion, I didn't talk to anyone but Rodney for weeks,” he started. “I couldn't hear anything but a loud ringing in my ears, absolutely nothing. I didn't hear the voices of people talking to me and I didn't hear my own voice. I felt so unsure that I refused to speak to anyone but Rodney. I tried a few times, but some of the people I tried to talk to looked bewildered and frowned when I tried and so I gave up my attempts and used a notepad to write upon it what I wanted to say. Rodney was the only one who never gave me the feeling that I was an oddity when I tried to speak without hearing my own voice. At first, people reacted annoyed sometimes when they realized that I was deaf and that they had to write upon the notepad, because the writing wasn't as fast as talking would have been, but after a while, they accepted it. Your friends will accept it too after a while, I'm sure about that.”

He had caught the boy's attention, because Zaniel now looked at him with curious eyes, smiling shyly and pointing at his left ear. John nodded. “Yes, the doctors implanted two prosthesis into both of my ears, so I would be able to hear again, but it took me some time to learn it again, because these prosthesis make sounds audible in another way than from what I remembered. It's all squeaky and flat, because the prosthesis can't make all of the sounds humans can hear audible. But, it was great to hear again nonetheless and after a rather long time, I could detect different sounds and even voices again. It took me a while, before I tried to speak myself and I was unsure and desperate many, many times during the recovery, but Rodney was always there and helped me get through this.”

He took Zaniel's hand, pressing it slightly. “You're not alone, Zany,” he assured the boy. “Your grandfather will be there for you, and Rodney and I will be there for you, as well. You can use your hands and you can paint pictures to 'talk' to us. No one will force you or laugh at you, Zany, you have my word.”

Zaniel's smile brightened and he nodded his head vigorously. “Good, now promise me you won't run away again, understood?” John said and this time, Zaniel agreed immediately, nodding with his head again and laying his hand on his chest over his heart. He tilted his head to the side and pointed at John's right ear.

John grinned as he remembered the conversation he had had this morning with Todd. “Yeah, I promised you to tell you that story too. I lived with two prosthesis for one year and I also was able to go back to Atlantis after a couple of months. I know that all people living in Pegasus normally hate and fear all Wraith but, there is one Commander who is an ally like your people are. He helped us many times and we helped him and over the years, we became allies. We were on a mission together when I became injured again. Todd, that's the name we gave him, healed me with the Gift of Life and my right ear healed during the process, as well. After the healing, the doctors removed most parts of the implant again, except for the electrode. They had to leave it where it was, placed in my inner ear and therefore, my hearing is still slightly impaired, but that's okay, I can hear most of all sounds, even the silent ones. Todd couldn't heal my left ear but, to have the hearing of one ear back is great. He was the one who sent the Darts and collected the Bolakai.”

Zaniel stared at him, surprised, but then, he gestured with his hands and John who had learned to read gestures during his deafness and his recovery was able to read Zaniel's gestures, easily. It seemed that sign language was always the same, no matter if one lived in the Milky Way galaxy or in Pegasus.

Rodney who had learned sign language for John's sake, nodded his head, smiling at Zaniel. “Yes, Todd is a 'nice' Wraith. He won't do you any harm, neither you, nor your people,” he said and Zaniel was content with that, yawning and rubbing his eyes.  
John wanted to get up, but Rodney was faster, pressing him back into his chair. “You will stay here and eat all of your meal. I will put this little man to bed.” He opened his arms invitingly and Zaniel let Rodney take him in his arms after he had kissed his grandfather on the crumbled cheek.

John watched his genius leave the room with the child in his arms as if he had never done anything else than put children to bed and he felt his eyes becoming wet with his love for the blue-eyed scientist.

Symor cleared his throat, he was still pale, but looked much better than he had during the last few days. “We cannot thank you enough, Colonel Sheppard,” he said, hoarsely and John lay his hand upon his arm, smiling at the old man.

“You don't have to thank us, Symor. You were true allies all of the time, even when other former 'friends' turned their backs on us. You traded with us and provided us with everything we asked for. We would never leave you alone in times like these. We have to thank you, not the other way around. And please, call me John, not Colonel Sheppard.”

Symor smiled back. “It would be my pleasure, John.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to update my Wraith-stories at first, at least most of them, so it can take a while longer until the next update, but I try to hurry, I promise. Please, let me know if you like my story!


	4. Another New Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John could rescue Zaniel from the bear-like beast and the boy promised him not to run away any more. But, they still have to rebuild the settlement and find a way for Zaniel to communicate with others. To John's luck, they get help from someone to do that. Now, John has time to try something he hasn't done since he became deaf by the explosion and maybe even time he can spend alone with Rodney...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was eager to go on with this WIP and I am very happy that I can post the new chapter today. To explore John's new life is both, fun and surprise and I do hope that you will follow along and enjoy reading about his changed life as much as I enjoy writing about it.
> 
> Please, give me feedback, it's hard to write something without knowing if you like it or not!
> 
> This chapter is without beta-backup, because my poor beta is already busied with a lot of chapters from me and serious real-life issues, so if I made any huge mistakes, please, let me know that, too!

John watched Jeannie pointing at the picture in her book and then at the letters she had painted on small square pieces of paper. Zaniel considered the picture and the letters and began to take the pieces, one after the other, at first the 't', then the 'r', the 'e' and another 'e'. Jeannie smiled at the boy. “Yes, Zaniel, perfect, you did it right! It's a 'tree',” she encouraged the boy who was beaming at her, happily and excitedly.

They sat in the largest room of Symor's new house that was used as a living and a dining room at once at the big table and Jeannie Miller was busied with teaching Zaniel and her daughter Madison reading and writing. Madison sat next to Zaniel and giggled and John smiled, enjoying Zaniel's happiness.

Six weeks had passed since the attack and things were slowly going back to normal. John had helped with several teams that had come from the Ancient's city to rebuild the village while Rodney had seen to the energy-supplies and the water-system. His genius had also installed a metal-iris before the Gate like the iris protecting the Gate in the Cheyenne Mountain Complex and was about to install a code-system, so the settlers could decide whom they would let visit their planet. It was no protection against the threat from outer space, but at least it would protect them from attackers like the Bolakai in the future. The iris was still offline until the code-system would finally work, but it gave some feeling of safety to the settlers just by its presence, nevertheless.

Rodney had had to visit Earth for few days because of the new installments and he had used the unexpected opportunity to visit his sister and her family. John was still amazed by how much Rodney's relationship to his sister had increased since they had become lovers. Jeannie had welcomed him with open arms in her family and she had no problems with treating him just the way she had treated him before he had become deaf. She had taught him some signs and always given him the feeling that he was still as strong and worthy as he had been before the explosion that had damaged his hearing.

Jeannie still had the clearance she once had had and Rodney had told her about Zaniel. She had listened to him and come up with the idea to teach the little six years old boy writing and reading, so he would be able to communicate with people who didn't understand signs or didn't want to 'waste' their time with pictures.

Rodney hadn't had to ask her if she would do it, she had suggested it herself and Rodney had brought her and her sweet daughter Madison with him back to Atlantis. Zaniel had loved her at first sight and Jeannie did an amazing job. John was totally drawn in as he watched her explaining the letters to Zaniel with patience and skills, awaking his curiosity and excitement for his new ability to express himself much better than he had been able to before. To his relief and surprise, Zaniel had accepted Jeannie as quickly as he had accepted Rodney and now Jeannie and her daughter Madison were two more persons Zaniel had included into the small circle of people he trusted and liked. Madison had no problems with Zaniel's muteness, she played with him, using signs and gestures and she 'spoke' for him when they were playing.

John was glad that Zaniel had found a child he could play with and he enjoyed watching them play and laugh. Zaniel didn't make any sound when he was laughing, but he laughed, nonetheless and John was happy that Madison made him laugh much more than he had during the first weeks after the attack. Zaniel still refused to let anyone else come near him but his grandfather, John, Rodney, Jeannie and Madison, but to know that Zaniel would stay with Jeannie and Madison for some hours eased the weight of concern and responsibility pressing down on John's shoulders at least a little bit.

John was tired from the hard work during the last weeks and Dr. Keller had ordered him to slow down and get some rest for few days. John had protested, but the blonde doctor had threatened to lock him in the infirmary if he didn't and so he had obeyed, hesitantly, but also gratefully.  
He had had neither any time for himself, nor time alone with Rodney during the last two weeks and he missed his beloved genius, badly. They slept together in the same bed, but, that was all. They were so tired that they fell asleep the second their heads touched the pillow every time they managed to actually spend the night together.

Rodney was busied with the iris and the code-system adjusting it to the Gate in Atlantis, so no one would be able to lock Atlantis out from the Gate near the settlement, because he couldn't take all of the equipment he needed to do that with him to the settlement and John stayed in the village he had called 'New Haven' all days. He tried to distract himself from his longing with the things they would have to do next and with the thought of a possible alarm-system protecting the settlers from attacks from outer space, as well; which led him to the one thing he hadn't done since he had become deaf – flying a jumper or any other thing that actually could fly.

“You can go to Atlantis for some hours, John,” Jeannie's gentle voice broke in on his musings. He blinked, trying to clear his mind.

Jeannie smiled at him. “We will be fine. I know that you had no time with Meredith for at least two weeks and you really need a break. Zaniel and I won't be done for at least two more hours and I promised to bake with Madison and him after wards. Why don't you go back to the city and try to distract Meredith from his work? He probably needs it as much as you do,” she suggested and John sighed, wistfully.

He looked at Zaniel, wishing nothing more than to do what Jeannie had said, but hesitating to leave Zaniel alone. Zaniel vigorously nodded his head when he noticed John's eyes lying upon him. He made some excited signs and John who had learned to read the boy's signs felt the corners of his mouth curling into a happy smile.

“Yes, Zany. I will be a good boy and do what aunt Jeannie told me to do,” he agreed, smiling at the boy who had become so precious and special to him during the last weeks. “You're right, Mer surely needs a break, too,” he said, using the short form of Rodney's other first name which Jeannie always used when she addressed her brother.

Zaniel nodded, contentedly and John finally lifted himself up from his chair, his bones protesting forcefully as he did so. It really had been a couple of rough weeks and his body was sore in places he hadn't known that they existed. He suppressed a groan and kissed Zaniel on his fragrant hair, before he smiled at Madison, ruffling her hair.

“Okay guys, have fun. See you later again,” he said goodbye, walking out of the room, his thoughts already by his beloved genius. He knew what he wanted to do and he really hoped that Rodney would agree to it.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

John paused in the doorway to the lab, watching his wonderful boyfriend bent over his console, focused on something on the screen, frowning and murmuring unintelligible things that sounded slightly annoyed and John's heart sank. Something wasn't going the way Rodney wanted it to go and John knew from experiences that Rodney wouldn't be pleased to be interrupted until he had fixed whatever it was that needed to be fixed.

But, he really couldn't do alone what he wanted to do and he didn't want any other company than his beloved genius' one for it. He stayed in the doorway, not knowing what to do and his disappointment made him sigh loud enough for Rodney to finally notice him.

The blue-eyed scientist looked up, angrily, because someone dared to disturb him, but his face softened instantly as he saw John standing in the entrance to the lab like a sheepish and shy child waiting to be told off by his teacher for having done something truly stupid.

“John! I thought you were in New Haven with Jeannie and Zaniel,” he said, confused and it was clear that he hadn't expected to see John in Atlantis during the next hours.

John hesitantly nodded his head. “Yeah, I was. But, she suggested that I'd come here to spend some time with you while she's teaching Zaniel. We really haven't had time for each other during the last weeks,” John answered, his voice trailing off at the end as he watched Rodney's frown deepening.

Rodney sighed, trying not to sound too rude as he searched for a response that wouldn't hurt John too much. “I know, John,” he finally said, biting his lip. “But, I really need to fix the code-system. It's giving me a headache and I want to finish it today. Could we spend some time after I've fixed it, please?” he asked John, still sounding slightly impatiently and John swallowed against the lump in his throat.

“Of course, Rodney,” he agreed, turning around to leave the lab, his shoulders slumping a little bit because of his disappointment. He knew that Rodney hadn't meant to reject him. The safety of New Have came first and he was selfish to wish that Rodney would leave this important work alone for hours to spend time with him. He could do what he craved for another day when the villagers were safe in their new settlement. He was about to leave when he suddenly felt Rodney's hand on his arm.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Rodney said, turning John around to look at him once more. “What was it you wanted to do? It was something special, right?” Rodney asked, his voice gentle now, all annoyance and impatience gone. He must have felt that John's disappointment went deeper than it would normally have done if John just had wanted to spend some time with him to play a video game, eat something or do other admittedly very nice and pleasurable things that really could wait until Rodney had fixed the security problem, nonetheless.

“Uhm, yes,” John replied, reluctantly.

“Tell me,” Rodney demanded and John took a deep breath and looked Rodney in his wonderful blue eyes. “I felt ready to finally give it a try. I wanted to fly a jumper,” he admitted, hoarsely.

Rodney just stared at him for one minute, but then, he began to smile, stroking John's stubbly cheek, tenderly. “It's about the time, John,” he agreed and his voice was filled with so much tenderness, love and understanding that John had to blink against the sudden wetness in his eyes. “Yeah, I thought so, too,” he said, huskily, clearing his throat to get rid of the big lump he was choking on.

Rodney nodded his head. “Fine. Why don't you go to the jumper-bay and check the jumper while I switch the computer off and grab some food for a nice picnic?” he suggested. “I'll be there in a minute, John.”

John nodded, happily, but still hesitating. “You sure? The code-system...”

Rodney laid his finger on John's lip, shaking his head. “Can wait for another couple of hours. This is important. I knew that you needed time and I would never have pushed you, nor anyone else, you know that. But it's good that you want to do it now and I won't let you do it alone or with anyone else, so stop this. Just go to the jumper-bay, please, I will be there right away, I promise you,” he encouraged his uncertain boyfriend.

He kissed him on his lips, a gentle and reassuring kiss and then pushed against John's chest with his hands. John obeyed, turning around and heading to the jumper-bay with a wide grin on his handsome features.

He finally, finally would fly again. Of course, a jumper was much easier to fly than a F-302 or any other plane or helicopter he had flown in his life, even Carson Beckett could fly a jumper, easily, despite from his complaints that he couldn't, but he hadn't flown any plane himself, neither a jumper or any other flying object since he had become deaf and to start with a jumper would be a good thing.

He had been in a jumper flown by Rodney or Major Lorne, but this was different, because he hadn't been in charge of the controls and he had had a hard time at the start because of the dizziness he had felt at the beginning. It had taken a rather long time until he had gotten used to feeling of being in the air again. This had been one of the reasons that had kept him from trying himself and he felt as excited and happy as he had felt when he had been supposed to fly a plane himself for the very first time.

He found himself humming a cheerful melody as he headed to the jumper-bay and every inhabitant crossing his way began to smile when they saw him, because they all seemed to know what he was about to do, being happy themselves that their hazel-eyed 'flyboy' eventually was back at the helm again.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

 

The panels of Jumper1 flared to life the second John entered the cockpit, just as if the small space-ship had been waiting for its righteous owner to come back to him and fly it himself for the first time within almost one and a half year. John sat down in the pilot's seat, feeling nervously and unsure, but ridiculously happily. His sweaty fingers hesitantly touched the controls in front of him, hovering for the blink of an eye few centimeters above the shining buttons welcoming him, before they finally pressed down, firmly and determinedly.

The jumper began to hum, and John could have sworn that the hum sounded as happy as he felt himself. He checked the systems, carefully, taking his time for every control, his fingers almost caressing the shining surface with its different buttons, signs and lights. God, he had missed this, he hadn't known how much he had missed it until now. He blinked against the tears of joy threatening to fall and wiped with the sleeve of his uniform-jacket over his eyes, sniffing silently.

He was so absorbed in checking the jumper that he flinched slightly, as Rodney dropped down on the seat of the co-pilot next to him. “Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,” Rodney apologized, sounding rather breathlessly and John smiled at him. “I know, Rodney. I only was so focused on the jumper. You were loud enough.” Every other person who didn't know John probably would have been offended about this dry statement, but Rodney just smiled, laying his hand upon John's arm.

Rodney had learned to be quiet and how to creep up on somebody when they were in the field over the last years, but he always made 'noise' when he came close to John and noticed that his boyfriend was as focused on something as he had been right now, to let him know that he was there, instead of giving him a heart-attack or causing him to grab his weapon, just because John hadn't seen or heard him coming.

He gently pressed John's arm and then patted the console in front of him. “Our 'baby' is glad to have you back,” he remarked, contentedly. “It sounds happily.”

John shot him a surprised sidelong glance. “You can hear that, too?” he asked, stunned.

Rodney nodded his head. “Of course. No one knows our jumpers better than me, apart from you. Our baby is happy to have you back and to be the first one you will fly with after this long time,” he said, sincerely. “Atlantis reacted the same way. The city is actually in love with you. If I didn't know that you love me as much as you actually do, I surely would be incredibly jealous of her!”

He grinned when he noticed John's disbelieving stare. “Oh, come on flyboy, you really must know this by now. Stop gaping at me as if I had told you something spectacularly new and show me that you're still the most skilled pilot I've ever met. I know that you can do that. Just fly us out of here!”

John grinned. “Your command is my wish,” he agreed, starting the jumper and leading it out of the bay and into the clear blue sky over Atlantis.

 

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John couldn't remember the last time he had been as happy as he felt right now. He was in an orbit over Atlantis, looking out of the window down at the green, blue and white planet reminding him of Earth although Earth wasn't really his home any longer – hadn't been for years. But, the sight of Earth from outer space always had been breathtaking and John was glad that the sight of the planet where Atlantis had found a new home after their return from Earth was as beautiful as the sight he had seen for a rather long time in his life.

After leaving the jumper-bay he had spent some time with flying the jumper in the sky over the Atlantis again and again, before he finally had turned around to fly to the mainland. After another half an hour flying over the green forests, he had landed the jumper on a large clearing. Rodney had brought a large amount of food with him and they had had a picnic on the meadow in the warm sunshine with birds twittering in the sky. John hadn't been able to stop grinning and smiling and when Rodney had taken him in his arms, he actually had shed few tears – tears of relief that he was still able to fly, of joy that Zaniel's well-being was improving and tears of happiness that he was there, alone with the love of his life sitting on a beautiful clearing, listening to the sweet twittering of the birds and enjoying their closeness.

They had made love, slowly and tenderly, kissing stroking and caressing each other until they were dazed with lust and need, wanting nothing more than to let it last forever and enjoy every single second after having had only few short moments for themselves for the last couple of weeks. John still felt Rodney's hands upon him, stroking feverishly his back as John had entered him, thrusting into the willing and warm body and whispering words full of love and desire into Rodney's ears all the while.  
Rodney had made all those wonderful small noises John loved so much to hear, again, his wonderful and incredible genius having actually been unable to form coherent words any longer. They had savored their pleasure to the fullest and then lay there naked and cuddled up close to each other on the comforter Rodney had spread out on the meadow for their picnic, enjoying the warm afterglow of their shared passion.

And now, John was in orbit over Atlantis flying a jumper and for the first time within the last eighteen months he truly believed that he was on his way back to 'normal' whatever 'normal' for the military leader of an ancient city filled with incredible and mostly unknown advanced technology, surrounded by mostly hostile life-sucking alien space-vampires in another galaxy far far away from his home galaxy might be.

Rodney sat beside him, his arms comfortably crossed over his chest, relaxed and with a smile on his face. He hadn't had to help John not one single time and John was as proud as he had been after his first flying lesson.

John knew that they had to go back to Atlantis, soon and after another round, he maneuvered the jumper out of his orbit and flew back to the jumper-bay, announcing their soon arrival to the control-room. The officer gave the short permission to land the jumper and John flew the small space-ship into the tunnel leading downwards as he had done so oftentimes during his stay in Pegasus over the years.

After switching the controls off and one last happy and wishful look back, he headed with Rodney towards the control-room.

He was still grinning, but when he saw Mr. Woolsey waiting for them, his face filled with genuine concern, his breath faltered and his heart began to beat much faster than usual.  
Something had happened. Something had gone completely wrong while he had been away.

He almost ran to the civilian leader of the city, Rodney right behind him.

“Mr. Woolsey! What happened? Is something wrong with Zaniel or with the settlers?” he asked, still several meters away from man waiting for them.

Mr. Woolsey shook his head. “No, Zaniel is fine and so are the other settlers. But, Symor has had a serious heart-attack. They brought him to Atlantis ten minutes ago. He's in the infirmary and Dr. Keller does her best, but I'm afraid that it doesn't look good for him. He wants to see you, Colonel Sheppard. Zaniel is with Mrs. Miller and you should go directly to the infirmary. I'm not sure if Symor will make it through the night.”

John stopped in front of Woolsey and all he could do was stare at him in horror. Symor just couldn't die, he simply couldn't. Zaniel needed him. His grandfather was the only one left and Zaniel needed him. It simply wasn't on that to happen. Symor had to survive, he simply had to.

John turned around on his heels and began to run towards the infirmary.


	5. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Symor had a heart-attack and John is on his way to the infirmary. What will happen to Zaniel if his grandfather won't make it? Will John fight for him and the right to take care of him? Ans what will Rodney say to his wish?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me ages to write. Normally, I'm a quick writer and I actually knew what I wanted to write, I just didn't know how to find the right words. To my luck, I have my wonderful beta Dulinneth who not only did a wonderful job in correcting my mistakes once again, but also helped me when I was stuck and added the part with Woolsey, so I just needed to change it a little bit. After that, it was easy to write the middle part with Rodney and finish the chapter, so here it is!
> 
> Enjoy reading it, although it is a sad one and please, give me feedback! To know what you're thinking is really important to me!

John sat on a chair beside the infirmary bed where Symor was lying, watched by several monitors and unconscious, his eyes never leaving the face of the old man.

Rodney had asked him if John wanted him to stay, but he had shaken his head and asked him to take care of Zaniel. Jeannie had been with him all of the time, but although Zaniel truly loved her, his relationship to John and Rodney was still much closer and John wanted one of them to be with Zaniel and comfort him.

Dr. Keller came every fifteen minutes to see to Symor and John could tell by the expression on her face that she didn't believe that Zaniel's grandfather would make it through the night. It had been too much in too short an amount of the time for the old man's heart. He had been in a delicate state before the attack from the Bolakai and the happenings during the attack and his worries about Zaniel finally had led to a heart attack Symor most likely wouldn't survive.

John felt numb inside and utterly exhausted, but he wouldn't sleep, he knew that from experience, no matter if he even tried. His eyes felt like raw sandpaper, but he held them open, watching every heavy move of Symor's chest with grim attention.

Zaniel needed his grandfather, Symor was the only family he had left. Zaniel had been a witness to the loss of his parents as one of the Bolakais had slaughtered them and the little boy hadn't spoken one single word since that day. Even worse, he had not uttered a single sound. He cried in complete silence and he laughed in complete silence. Jennifer Keller had assured him that it wasn't anything physical, but mental, caused by the trauma he had suffered, but she couldn't tell him how long Zaniel would be in this state. It could take days, weeks, months, even years until the boy would speak again, but it also was possible that Zaniel would never speak again.

John sighed. Zaniel's state had improved since Jeannie had come to Atlantis to teach him reading and writing and John had hoped that Zaniel would become more self-confident with this new ability to express himself, but now he feared that Zaniel's trauma would only become worse if - no – when he lost his grandfather. John could see Symor's breathing become more uneven and heavier with every minute that passed. He wouldn't make it, no matter how much John wished it would be otherwise.

Suddenly, Symor groaned and opened his eyes. His hands moved restlessly over the cover and John reached out and took Symor's bony left hand in his own. Symor's eyes flickered around until his gaze focused on John and became clear.

“John...” John had to bend forward to hear the soft whisper and Symor's right hand came up and touched his cheek. “John, please, take care of Zaniel, please don't leave him alone,” the old man whispered with effort. “Please, don't send him away.”

John swallowed. “I will never leave him alone, I promise you, Symor,” he croaked out, his voice raw and hoarse with his despair and suppressed emotions. “I will stay with him and take care of him, I will never leave him.”

Symor smiled at him. “Thank you, John,” he breathed before he closed his eyes and his hand fell back on the bed. John covered the old man's hand with his own and looked at him with dry eyes, listening to the constant sound of the monitor that announced what John already knew. He bent down and gently kissed Symor's still warm forehead.

“I will never leave Zaniel alone, I promise you,” he said, softly, but also firmly and determined. He would never leave the little boy alone, no matter what he had to do to keep his promise, John knew that for sure. He kept holding Symor's hand, watching his peaceful face until Dr. Keller came to undo the monitors, his eyes dry and his face stern, but with gratitude and confidence deep in his heart. Symor had trusted him enough to lay his grandson's fate into John's hands and John knew for sure that he would never betray the trust of the old man who had become a father to him within few weeks more than his own father had ever been.

 

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John watched the funeral ceremony with Zaniel standing beside him, the boy's little hand clinging to his own bigger one so hard that it hurt, but John didn't try to pull away or even loosen the firm grip. Rodney stood at Zaniel's other side and John knew that Zaniel held Rodney's hand in the same firm grip as he held John's.

Symor had died two days ago and Zaniel had been with him since that day twenty-four hours a day. Zaniel had been where John had been, he had slept in John and Rodney's bed, curled up around John's strong body, clinging to the colonel in his restless slumber as if John were his life-line and John had held him, stroked him and comforted him when Zaniel's whole body had shaken with his nightmares. John hadn't known that one could scream without making any single sound, but he had felt Zaniel screaming, he had seen him screaming in complete silence and it had scared John to death.

Rodney had held them both, trying to comfort not only the little boy, but also John who had come to love Symor as a father over the last weeks he had spent with him.

John sighed, focusing on the ceremony again, but he listened to the murmured words of the old priest of the village without actually hearing them. The ringing and buzzing in his ear had grown to a loud noise during the funeral and John wished that he could take Zaniel and bring the trembling boy to another place, no matter where. Zaniel leaned heavily against him, as if he had read John's thoughts, seeking comfort and assurance by their touch. John held on tight to the tiny hand in his own and watched the ceremony with a stern expression on his face and grim determination. He had promised Seymor that he wouldn't leave Zaniel alone and he would keep his promise, no matter what he had to do to keep the promise he had given a dying grandfather.

 

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John stood at the window in the living room of their quarters, staring outside into the darkness without seeing anything, remembering the funeral ceremony several hours ago. He listened to the silent sounds Rodney made as he came to him, stepping behind him and wrapping his arms about his midsection.

John leaned back against Rodney's broad chest, inhaling deeply the familiar and beloved scent of his other half. Rodney placed soft kisses on his neck and John's fragrant hair and hummed softly in his ear. John closed his eyes and allowed himself a secret moment of weakness and relaxation. Rodney loved him and John knew that Rodney didn't expect him to be in charge or in control when they were alone in their quarters.

He closed his eyes, listening to the soft humming while he let himself be rocked in Rodney's strong arms. After a while, the loud beep driving him mad faded to the usual, bearable silent ringing. Rodney had put the little boy to bed because John had been too tense and too anxious to be able to calm him and so Rodney had laid down beside him and read him four bedtime stories, patiently waiting for their charge to fall asleep. John was still amazed how easily his beloved genius had slipped into the role of a loving and caring father. Rodney had even been able to convince Zaniel to sleep in his own bed in the room next to their own bedroom. The room had been Rodney's room where he had worked and John had never expected him to give up his private 'lab', but Rodney had surprised him once again a few weeks ago as he had suggested to make the chamber a place where Zaniel could sleep and play when he visited John in Atlantis and so, they had renovated the chamber for the little boy.  
At first, Zaniel had been against sleeping in his own room, worried that something might happen during the night, but Rodney had promised to stay with him until he was asleep and to leave the door open. John loved Zaniel, but he hadn't been able to sleep properly the last two nights with the child wrapped around him so firmly that it almost had hurt and Rodney had noticed that and talked to Zaniel 'from man to man' that John needed to sleep undisturbed.

“Is Zaniel asleep?” He wanted to make sure, although he knew that Rodney wouldn't have come to him otherwise and having taken a moment, John didn’t speak until he trusted his voice enough to form words without breaking. Rodney placed another kiss on his cheek.

“Yes, he is. The warm milk with honey helped. He's such a tough boy,” Rodney mused and John had to swallow against the lump in his throat.

“I – I want to keep him with us,” he burst out. “I want the two of us to be his family. I promised Symor to take care of him. I can't leave him alone! I – simply – can't...” John's voice broke and he bit his bottom lip so hard that he could taste blood on it.

Rodney's embrace became tighter and he pressed John gently against his body. “Of course, we won't leave him alone. That's out of the question. We are his family now and we love him. He trusts us and he needs us. We might be an uncommon little family, but we are a family and we will give Zaniel the home he truly deserves.”

John turned around in Rodney's embrace to look at him. “You agree to my decision?” John asked, incredulously.

“Of course, John,” said Rodney, gently stroking his stubbly cheek. “We will do all that's necessary to make Zaniel our son. You do want to adopt him, correct?”

John nodded his head. “I want us to adopt him, but I it will be difficult enough for one of us alone, considering all of the stupid laws and rules, and I don't think that we will be able to do so both of us, but yes, I want to adopt him – if you agree to it.” He looked at the beloved face of his genius and found Rodney's wonderful blue eyes watching him with so much understanding and love that John felt almost overwhelmed by his own love for the other man. “Of course though, it’s not going to be easy, even if the SGC and the IOA agree to it. We might have to give up Atlantis,” he somehow managed to say, waiting anxiously for Rodney's reaction.

Rodney's tender smile deepened. “I'm a genius, did you forget that, John? Of course, I know that that could happen. But, it doesn't matter to me, John. I love being here, working here, but I love you and Zaniel so much more. The well-being of both of you is so much more important to me and as long as we're together, everything will be fine with me, no matter where we live. I would suggest that you speak with Richard Woolsey tomorrow, so he can see to the needed paperwork.”

John just looked at Rodney and then, pulled him in forcefully to kiss him with so much need and passion that all Rodney could do was kiss John back with the same fierceness and ardor. They kissed until they had to part for air and Rodney raised his hand to John's face and caressed his flyboy's swollen and bruised lips with his thumb. “We will do this together, John. I love you and I love Zaniel. All I want is to be with both of you, no matter where we live. We will fight for Zaniel and we will make sure that he will become your adopted son, maybe our adopted son someday.”

John smiled shakily at him. “I love you Rodney, you know that right?” he said hoarsely. Rodney grinned.

“Of course, I know that. Come on, flyboy, let's get to bed. I really need my beauty-sleep.”

John kissed him again. “You're just perfect as you are, even when you have bloody eyes and look green because you didn't sleep for three days because you had to save our asses once more,” he assured him and took his hand to pull him with him to their bedroom. “But, you're right my handsome genius, it's time for bed.” Rodney chuckled and let himself be pulled across the living room. If he was right with his suspicion, then he would be in bed soon, but certainly not for actually sleeping. Not that Rodney had any complaints about the not-sleeping-part.

 

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“Oh, hello Colonel Sheppard. What can I do for you?” asked Richard Woolsey as John knocked on the door of his office early in the morning. John drew in a deep breath and smiled at Richard, hoping that the other man was in a good mood.

“Richard, I need your help. I promised Symor that I would look after Zaniel and…”

“As in temporary look after or permanent?”

“I don't know, but permanent, I guess. We…Zaniel, Rodney and I, we’ve gotten so close over the past few weeks and now that Symor is dead…he has no one Richard. The villagers treat him as a pariah because he refuses to make any sound and I can’t leave him alone. Not one of the other families in the village would take him, because they fear that his muteness will influence their own children. Rodney and I, we want to raise him and I want to adopt Zaniel.” Silence greeted him and looking up, John eyed the pensive looking civilian leader of the Ancient's city.

“You do realize that the heads back on Earth won’t look favorably on this right? You know how many issues the IOA still hold against you because of your deafness and your implant? Atlantis is a military base of operations for research and study on the Pegasus Galaxy. Not to mention that you are the military commander of that base. How do you plan to fulfill your post with a child who suffers from mental trauma and needs you to be around all of the time?”

“What about Torren? Teyla’s son? I fail to see why he is granted special consideration and Zaniel is not.”

“That is a different story John. Teyla constantly takes her son to the settlement to be around her people and she is from Pegasus. Do you know how much paperwork I and the IOA on Earth will have to do in order to create a Zaniel Sheppard with a complete record? Not to mention all the trouble that getting permission to bring him to Earth should you and Rodney be sent back. Not that I’d ever worry about that. You two are essentially our trump cards.” Balling his fists, John glared at Richard with a narrowed eyes and a tense jaw. He had suspected that this would be hard, but he really had believed that Richard would understand him.

“I don’t care how much trouble you have to go through. After all the times Rodney and I have saved this city the least you can do is fill out a bunch of paperwork! That’s what you do every day anyway!”

“John, this is a military base, if you had somewhere else to take Zaniel maybe once a week at least, things might be easier. But you’re the Military Head of Atlantis and Rodney is the Scientific Head of Atlantis. Do you two really believe you both have enough free time to devote to a child with so many needs?!”

“We’ll figure something out. But damn it Richard! Have you looked around at this place? This is the most relaxed military base I have ever seen. Everyone knows each other, treats each other like family in more ways than just military and we constantly have refugees coming through our Stargate and that includes children. This city is more of a small town than a military operation and you know it! Having Zaniel around isn’t going to mess anything up and Rodney and I are the only family he has now. The only people he trusts, do you really want to break him completely by leaving him there on that planet with people who treat him as a freak?!”

Richard sighed, wiping with his hand over his bald head in a helpless gesture. “Dr. McKay's sister Jeannie Miller could take care of him?” he suggested, obviously searching for another solution.

John only shook his head. “Jeannie is great. She is wonderful and Zaniel truly loves her. But, she has her own family to take care of and she can't stay in Atlantis or in Pegasus in general. Zaniel would have to live on Earth then.”

Richard considered him with pursed lips and a thoughtful expression on his face. “It's pretty likely that he will have to live on Earth anyway,” he drawled after a while.

John smiled grimly. “Yes, Richard, I know. But he would live there with me and Rodney then. With the two fathers who truly love him and care about him. I promised a dying man that I would never leave his grandson alone and I will keep my promise and never leave Zaniel alone, no matter what I have to do to keep my promise. So, please Richard, help me and talk to the heads of the IOA.”

Richard sighed again, but he nodded his head.

“I’ll see what I can do for you John. But you and Rodney had both better prepare yourselves. I’m sure the IOA will want to speak with you two regarding this before they make any decisions.”  
Nodding his head, John headed towards the door before he paused and turned back towards Richard.

“Thank you Richard.” He said sincerely, watching as the slightly balding man nodded his head and returned the solemn look.

“Don’t thank me yet John. It’s going to be a long and very hard process.”

John smiled. “I know Richard. But adopting Zaniel and making him my true and rightful son will be worth every effort and every cost,” he said quietly before he walked out the door of Richard's office, followed by Woolsey's thoughtful eyes.


	6. A Lesson In Loyalty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John promised to Symor that he would take care of his little grandson Zaniel. Now, he has to keep his promise and make a difficult decision.  
> Will he be able to settle in in his new life? And what about the ones he had to leave behind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a long time to write, as well and there will be only one more chapter. I hope you will like it.

John watched the woman from the IOA striding through the Gate with her head held up high and without one single glance back. Zaniel clung to his right hand and Rodney stood at his other side, his arm wrapped around John's shoulder in a comforting and reassuring gesture, although both of them knew that there was nothing they could do to make the counselor from the IOA change her mind.

Counselor! John snorted inwardly. Mrs. McIntosh was all, but surely not a true 'counselor'. She had made her decision before she even had come to Atlantis, not willing to give Zaniel, Rodney and he himself a real chance. She had arrived at Atlantis three days earlier; and John had seen right from the start that she was determined to deny John's wish to adopt the young boy who had lost not only his whole family, but also his ability to speak, caused by the emotional trauma he had suffered during the attack of the Bolakai.

Richard Woolsey silently stepped beside him and John forced his eyes away from the collapsing wormhole and looked at the civilian leader of the city. Woolsey didn't smile and his gaze was full of sympathy.

“I'm so sorry, Colonel Sheppard. I recommended to send someone else instead of her, but the IOA decided against my request. I'm sure that I will be able to put in a good word for your wish to adopt Zaniel, but I don't think that they will let you stay the military commander of Atlantis then. Plus, I don't think that General O'Neill can do anything against it. They wanted to replace you for a long time, right after your injury and now they have found a reason to do so.” he murmured in a low voice, so that Zaniel would hear him.

John pressed his lips together to a thin line. He had promised to a dying man that he would never leave his little grandson alone. He would keep his promise, no matter what, even if it meant that he had to give up the city he loved and that had become his true home.

But, he would find a new home and as long as Rodney and Zaniel stayed by his side, everything would be okay, John knew that for sure.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

John looked back for one last time. Their baggage had been brought to Earth several hours ago, but John had needed the time to say goodbye to everyone and everything, fighting hard against his tears, but somehow, he had managed to keep them out of his eyes. Rodney and Zaniel had gone with him, showing everyone who maybe hadn't realized until then that they were a true family and would never let themselves be separated by anyone.

The IOA hadn't been pleased about Rodney's decision to leave Atlantis if they replaced John by another military commander, but, Rodney hadn't given in to them and they wanted to replace John more than they wanted Rodney to stay, thinking that he could be replaced by another scientist more or less easily, either.

And now, he stood before the blue waves of the event horizon that would swallow him and bring him back to Earth, forcing him to leave everything he considered as his home behind. General O'Neill had managed to convince the IOA to let them travel back to Earth without the normal quarantine time of one entire day in the midway station and John was deeply grateful for that. He wouldn't have stand it to stay twenty-four hours there, trapped and longing for something he couldn't have.

Rodney gently squeezed his hand and that finally broke the spell. “Come on, John. It's time for us to start a new life,” Rodney said, his voice rough with his emotions, but steady and certain about the choice he had made for John's and Zaniel's sake. John smiled shakily at him and held Zaniel's hand tighter. “Yes, Rodney, you are right, let's start our new life.”

He turned to the Gate and stepped through it without another glance back.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------

 

_Three months later:_

 

John sat in Jeannie's kitchen, watching Zaniel play with Madison in the garden behind the house where Rodney's sister lived with her family.

Rodney had found a house for their own little family nearby where they had settled in. Rodney now worked for a company that produced high tech chips for computer and was responsible for the research and exploration department that searched for new standards, regarding especially artificial intelligence. The SGC had wanted him to work in Area 51, but, Rodney had reclined General O'Neill's offer. John had retired and Rodney wanted them to live near his sister and he didn't want to work for the IOA any longer which would have been the case if he had accepted the offer.

John would search for a new job when Zaniel would be ready to stay with someone else without him for several hours. Zaniel's state had improved a lot during the last three months. Jeannie had always been there for John and his little son and she had started to teach him not only writing and reading, but maths and some other things, as well. Richard Woolsey had kept his promise and helped John with the adoption and Zaniel was now his official adopted son and was called Zaniel Sheppard. He was still mute, but he had learned to smile again and to sleep in his own bedroom without having nightmares every single night.

John had to admit that he had enjoyed the three months with him, being only his father and nothing else. Rodney was the solid rock in their life, encouraging him whenever John needed some encouragement and playing with Zaniel whenever John needed some time alone. He worked from seven o'clock in the morning to four o'clock in the afternoon and he came always back home in time to spend the rest of the day with his two 'men', the 'big one' and the 'little one' how he called John and Zaniel. Zaniel had obviously begun to trust again, because he stayed with Jeannie and Madison even overnight now and then and the last time he even had 'ordered' his two dads to go out, which he had never done before.

John's own state of healthiness had improved a lot, as well, his tinnitus had diminished and his ability to hear with his implant had become better, but, he missed Atlantis and their true home badly, even though he tried to push his home-sickness back into the farthest corner of his mind. The SGC had tried to contact him during the last two weeks, but, John had simply ignored their calls. He didn't want to spend his time in the Cheyenne Mountain complex and he also didn't want to go on any off-world-missions in the Milky Way-Galaxy. His home was Pegasus and if he couldn't be there, than he didn't want to have anything to do with the SGC at all.

Jeannie who knelt before the oven took the cake she had baked out of it and turned around to smile at John. John smiled back, watching her placing the cake before the open window to let it cool down.

She sat down opposite him and he poured her a cup of coffee. “Thank you, John.” She sipped from the hot brew and followed his gaze. Madison and Zaniel crouched on the grass watching a little animal, probably a beetle, a spider , ants or something similar. Madison talked to Zaniel and Zaniel nodded eagerly and made some signs with his fingers. John couldn't see them properly, but Madison began to snicker and Zaniel's shoulders trembled as he laughed silently, too.

“It's so wonderful to see them playing together. I can't thank you enough, Jeannie,” John said thoughtfully, but Jeannie shook her head. “You don't have to thank me, John. You are family and we all love Zaniel. Yesterday, he signed to me that he wants you to look for a job. He can feel that you are not made for sitting around and I do believe that he's ready to stay with us when you're working again,” she said softly.

John sighed. He wanted to be the military leader of Atlantis again, but, that wasn't possible and so it didn't truly matter which job it would be. But, he knew that he would have to look out for a new job sooner rather than later.

He was just about to answer to that statement when he heard a strange and yet familiar sound and his surroundings blurred in the bright light of the well-known Asgard-beam.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

 

“Damn it! Bring me back from where you picked me up!” John growled at General O'Neill who stood at the bridge of the _Daedalus_. General O'Neill crossed his arms before his chest.

“I'm sorry, Colonel, but I can't do that,” he said apologetically. “You didn't answer our calls.”

John scowled at him. “And for good reasons. What do you want from me? I retired as you probably remember. I'm not a Colonel of the US Air Force any longer.”

“Yes, I remember that quite well. But, we have a problem.” General O'Neill watched him intently. “And we'll need you to solve it.”

“I'm not interested in whatever it might be! Beam me back, my son will be worried and frightened!” John snapped, but, he couldn't fight against the tingling he felt in his stomach. Was something wrong with Atlantis?

General O'Neill pursed his lips. “We beamed Major Lorne down to Mrs. Miller for an explanation. I want you to watch something. After that, I will beam you back again and you can think about it and make your decision after you have talked to Dr. McKay and your son Zaniel, you have my word on that.”

John narrowed his eyes and considered the general for few minutes, but then, he nodded hesitantly. “Fair enough, show me what you want me to see,” he agreed reluctantly and General O'Neill heaved a relieved sigh. “We have to beam down to the SGC,” he told him. “But, it won't take more than two hours.” He waved at the officer behind the controls and the bright light of the beam appeared again.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

John sat in the control-room of the SGC in the Cheyenne Mountain complex, clenching his fingers nervously as he stared at the screen. Walter had established a wormhole for a video conference and John tried to steel himself for seeing Atlantis again, even if it was only through a large screen.

The screen lit up and Mr. Woolsey and Colonel Caldwell came in sight. John tensed. He knew that Caldwell was a good officer, but to know that he had taken his place still hurt more than he wanted to admit even to himself.

Richard Woolsey beamed at him and John blinked. He couldn't remember one single time the reserved civilian leader of the Ancient's city had smiled as widely as he did right now.

“Colonel Sheppard! How are you? It's so good to see you again!” he stated excitedly and John swallowed audibly. “Hello Mr. Woolsey. It's good to see you, too. I'm fine, thanks,” he replied, forgetting to remind the other man that he had retired, completely.

Mr. Woolsey's smile became even wider. “Here are some people who want to talk to you, John,” he said gently. “Please, listen to them.” He disappeared and John had to suppress a surprised cry as suddenly Todd, the ancient Wraith Commander, Ladon Radim and several other leaders of their allied planets came in sight. He swallowed again and his home-sickness threatened to overwhelm him all of a sudden.

It seemed that Todd had taken the lead, because he was the one who started to speak, while the others stayed few steps behind him, smiling at John.

“Ah, Sheppard! It's good to see you healthy and well,” he started in his dark multi-toned voice and John had to blink against the tears that wanted to fill his eyes and roll over his cheeks. “Hello Todd, it's good to see you well and healthy, too,” he croaked out and Todd slightly bowed his head before him.

“We heard about the decision of the IOA to replace you, just because you gave a home and a family to a young boy of our galaxy who would have become an orphan otherwise. I have to admit that me myself and my allied Wraith were not very pleased about it. Neither were the Genii with their president Ladon Radim, nor all the other leaders of the planets that trade with Atlantis. I actually wanted to propose a strong alliance with your city and all your allied planets, a true alliance that would guarantee peace and hope for the whole Pegasus, but, not under these circumstances. We talked to Mr. Woolsey and Colonel Caldwell and they invited us to come to Atlantis and talk to your heads on Earth.”

Todd went silent for a moment and smiled at John. John could see that his smile was rather smug and content. When he continued, his voice stayed impassive and unmoved, but, John knew the alien creature well enough to hear his amusement and satisfaction, nonetheless. “It seems that our – hm – request to let you return to the city as the righteous military commander of Atlantis fell on fertile ground and that the IOA could be 'convinced' to reconsider their overhasty and not very wise decision again very quickly.”

He turned to Colonel Caldwell who stood next to Ladon Radim with a deadpan expression on his face. “It's not that we all don't respect Colonel Caldwell, it's just...” he drawled, not ending his sentence and shrugging his shoulders in a very human way.

Caldwell pulled a face and smiled as if he had bitten in a sour citron. “I'm not you, Sheppard,” he ended the sentence for him. “Atlantis needs you and without you, all of our allies will stay away from us in the future.”

Todd didn't comment this explanation, but his grin could only be considered as wolfishly. John stared at the screen, not knowing what to say to this unexpected turn out. He longed so badly for returning to his true home, but, he was a father now and couldn't make any decision for himself without speaking to Rodney and Zaniel. He loved Atlantis, but, he loved his little son and the man who had always been by his side more than the city.

Mr. Woolsey stepped beside Todd and smiled at him. “We will find a solution, John. You don't have to give up Zaniel. I'm sure that we will find someone to take care of him when you will be off world or on duty. General O'Neill and me myself made sure that the IOA will agree to everything, if only you'll return to us with Dr. McKay and your son.”

John bit his lip, deeply touched and not sure if he was actually dreaming.  
“I'll have to talk to my son and Rodney first. How long do I have to make think about it?” he asked in a raw voice.

Todd's smile softened and his expression was understanding and almost gentle. “Take your time, Sheppard. We know that it is not easy for you. We had been waiting for more than three months for the IOA to come back to their senses, we will wait for a while longer, patiently. “

John smiled back. “Thank you, Todd. I want to thank all of you, but, I have to talk to my family first. I will tell you my decision as soon as possible.” He turned around to General O'Neill who had stood behind him without saying a word.

“General, please, bring me back to my family. We have a lot to talk about.”

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

 

John stepped through the wormhole with Rodney and Zaniel at his side, a wide grin on his handsome features.

He was back in his city again, he actually was back home with his family.

After the surprising turn out of the sunny afternoon two weeks earlier, he had been beamed back to Jeannie's house. She had awaited him with Major Lorne who had explained the situation to her and stayed with her, Madison and Zaniel until John had come back. He had told John about the last three months and about how bad things had become after their departure.

The city had shut down in some areas and refused to react to the ATA-gene of the other people the way she had always reacted to John and even Rodney and when Todd had learned about John's retirement, he had threatened to turn his back on the inhabitants of Atlantis and to convince the Genii and every other planet that traded with Atlantis to do the same. General O'Neill had growled and snarled and given the IOA an ultimatum. The IOA had agreed to it surprisingly fast, but, John hadn't answered to the calls and so, the general had decided to force John to listen to him by beaming him on the _Daedalus_ without John's permission.

John had spent two long nights talking with Rodney about the unexpected offer and they had talked with Zaniel about it. Zaniel had been excited and eager to go back to the galaxy where he came from, but also sad and not willing to leave Jeannie and Madison. Jeannie finally had suggested that she would spend several weeks every year in Atlantis and that she would come whenever Zaniel needed her and that had been the decisive factor for their agreement to come back to the city. Zaniel would stay with a kind young Athosian couple when John and Rodney would be both off world at the same time. Zaniel knew them from his former stay in Atlantis and Dr. Keller had promised to see to him during those times, as well.

And now, he stood there in the Gate-room, looking around, noticing with amazement that everyone had come to the Gate-room to welcome them.

John knew that he was grinning like a fool, but, he just couldn't help himself, because he had every right and every reason to grin like a fool.

He was home again.


	7. Happy Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John, Rodney and Zaniel returned to Atlantis and celebrate their first Christmas together. John never liked Christmas, but, maybe this will change, because Rodney and Zaniel have a special gift for him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of this story about John and his little family. Maybe, there will be more about John, Rodney and Zaniel, who knows what the future brings. I hope you enjoyed this story!  
> A million thanks to my family for their patience and understanding and to all of you who left a comment or kudos to show me that you liked this little fic.

_Several months later:_

 

John woke up early in the morning. It was still dark outside, but, he was wide awake and he knew that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again and so he stood up, silently to not disturb Rodney who was still sound asleep.  
He looked down at the sleeping man sprawled over the bed with a tender expression in his hazel eyes. They had been up late the previous evening, preparing everything for their very first Christmas as a family. They had adorned their large Christmas tree and laid down the gifts underneath it. Zaniel hadn't known anything about Christmas before, but John and Rodney had told him about it and John was eager to see the boy's eyes when he found the railway they had bought for him underneath the tree.

John left the room to take a quick shower and dress, before he went to the kitchen, preparing everything for breakfast. He loved these quiet hours in the morning and he listened to the silent sounds of the coffee machine and the sizzling of the bacon in the pan and all the other sounds in their large set of quarters. They had moved in here after their return to Atlantis, because it had a kitchen and a large living room in the center and three smaller bedrooms one could reach from there. Rodney used the smallest room as an office and Zaniel had his own bedroom, but, the most important thing was the kitchen. John didn't want Zaniel having to eat in the cafeteria all of the time and they had settled in a nice routine with a long breakfast and a long dinner every day where they ate together and where they shared the happenings of the days with each other. Rodney sometimes returned to his work after dinner and sometimes, John had to take the night shift, but both of them made sure that Zaniel didn't have to eat alone and that they were together as a family which wouldn't have worked without a kitchen.

John set up the table and it didn't take long until Zaniel came out of his room, woken up from his slumber by the delicious smell of the meal John had cooked for them. His eyes lit up as he saw the beautiful Christmas tree with the burning candles and the presents, but, he didn't stop there, but came straight into John's arms, because having a real family and a true home was still the most important thing in the little child's life and he never forgot to show John how much he loved him and how happy he was to be his son.

John lifted the boy up and smiled at him. “Good morning, little man! What do you think about waking your papa up, so we can have breakfast and after that, look what Santa Claus has left under the tree for you?” he asked and Zaniel beamed at him and vigorously nodded his head. John placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. “All right, then you will see to your grumpy papa standing up and I will see to the rest of the breakfast!”

He let Zaniel down and the young boy rushed into John's and Rodney's bedroom, jumping on the bed and tickling his other dad who groaned with frustration as he was woken up from his peaceful slumber in this pretty rude way.

John chuckled and took the pot with the coffee, placing it in the middle of the table, knowing that Rodney would need at least three mugs of the hot dark brew before he would lose his grumpiness and be ready for the ceremony of exchanging gifts.

After a while, Rodney came into the living room with Zaniel by his side and holding his hand, yawning heartily and smiling sleepily at John and John thought that his heart would burst with the love he felt for his wonderful genius and his son the very next second.

Rodney didn't complain about the early wake-up call as he probably would have had in his former life as the lonesome scientist he had been, but he strode to the table and grabbed the pot with the coffee right after the quick kiss he had planted on John's lips.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, yawning again. “It was pretty late yesterday, or better pretty early today and I need some coffee right now.”

John pulled the chair for Zaniel and served him with the hot chocolate he had made for the boy, before he sat down at the table, smiling at his genius. “Don't be sorry. I would never have thought myself that it would take us so long with the whole thing,” he said and Rodney nodded his head. “Yes. I have no problems with the most complicated Wraith code, but this – hm thing – threatened to drive me mad!” he complained with a quick sidelong glance to the railway they had built for Zaniel. It had taken them four hours and John had thought in between that they would never make it in time.

Zaniel chewed on his bacon, watching his two dads attentively, but, he didn't look at the tree and John had to admire his patience. Their son was truly a very special child and John loved him as if he were his own flesh and blood. He smiled at the boy and held his mug under the pot Rodney had in his hand, eager to finish breakfast and see if the gifts they had bought for Zaniel would light up his eyes as he hoped it would.

John had never liked Christmas and he couldn't remember one single time he had been looking forward to this special day in the year after his mother had died. But, he wanted to make the first Christmas they celebrated as a family very special and he was pretty sure that it would be the best Christmas he had ever had as he saw the happiness in Zaniel's eyes. They were together and they were a real family and this was all that truly mattered.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------

 

After breakfast, they had cleared the table together and then, moved to the shining Christmas tree to exchange the presents they had chosen for each other. Zaniel had stood there and looked at the tree in awe and wonder, so fascinated by the candles and the decoration hanging on it that he almost had forgotten to look for his presents.

But then, he had noticed the railway and his eyes had told John and Rodney all they needed to know. Zaniel now knelt on the floor, totally absorbed in his game with the trains and after watching him playing for a while, Rodney and John had exchanged their own presents.

John actually didn't need any gift, he was back in Atlantis and he had Rodney and Zaniel and that was all he cared about, but, he had loved to see Rodney's joy as he had pulled the colored paper from the things he had bought for him. It wasn't so easy to find something for him, but as it seemed, he had found the right things.

Now, he was waiting for Rodney to give him the last gift Rodney had for him, after all of the other things he had gifted him with and when Rodney came back in the room with a small box, kneeling down in front of him, he swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat.

Rodney opened the box with the small golden ring and looked up at him with his eyes filled with so much love that John knew he would remember forever that moment in his life, even when he would be old and gray.

“I know that we already are a true family and actually wouldn't need this final step, but, I want to ask you John Sheppard if you would give me the honor of marrying me?” Rodney asked, his voice hoarse and a little bit shaky, but firm and honest, filled with his love and devotion for John.  
“We've been together through bad times and good times before and I want us to be together as a married couple and a true family through all life might throw at us,” he continued and John pulled him up and kissed him passionately.

“Yes, yes, yes!” he whispered as they parted again, gasping for air. “Yes, I want to marry you!” he beamed at his fiance, not caring about the wetness on his cheeks and Rodney pulled him close and took his hand to put the ring on his finger. They kissed again and then, Rodney looked at Zaniel who had stopped his game, watching them curiously.

“I talked to Richard Woolsey and General O'Neill and they assured me that I could adopt Zaniel after our marriage, as well. They will see to that, personally,” he said and John couldn't believe his ears. “You sure?” he asked and Rodney nodded his head. “Yes, I'm sure. Zaniel will become my adopted son and no one will ever question again if we are a true family.”

Zaniel's eyes lit up and he tilted his head to the side, looking from Rodney to John and back. John waited for him to sign at his two fathers, but, Zaniel surprised him as he suddenly opened his mouth.

“Daddy and papa happy?” he asked, his voice raspy and unsure from the long time he hadn't used it and John stared at the young boy in disbelief, too stunned to answer to the boy's question. Zaniel smiled cautiously at them: “Papa my real dad then, too?”

Rodney was the first who recovered from his surprise and he pulled Zaniel on his lap and kissed him on his forehead. “Yes, Zaniel. Daddy, papa and you will be a true family and you will never be alone again,” he promised, tears of joy and happiness rolling over his face.

“Zaniel happy!” the boy exclaimed, snuggling close to both of them and John wrapped his arms around his future husband and his little son and held them tight.

“Yes, Zaniel. Daddy and papa are happy, too, more than I can tell you!” he whispered and to hear Zaniel's voice was truly the most wonderful gift he could ever have imagined.

They held each other close and John now knew for sure that the future lying before them would be a happy future full of wonders and miracles; a future with his beloved genius-husband and his little son who was a true angel being always by his side.

 

_The End_


End file.
